Behavior Modification: Part 1 of 2
This area has probably been my toughest as a mom. Having high strung kids with mild sensory issue's along with "envelope pushing" personality styles....I had and still have at times my struggles. However, I have figured some things out.
Finding ways to instill in our children good morals, appropriate social behavior, and teaching them to understand that rules are important, and need to be followed is challenging for every mom.
What Did Not Work:
Yelling: I'm by nature not a yeller, however, kids....... I remember the first time I
lost my temper and really yelled at my kids. The first time I yelled, I was actually amazed. It got
the kids attention and they responded. It seemed to work. However, in the end, it did not.
Here is why:
First: I noticed the kids become desensitized to yelling very fast. I soon had to yell louder and
louder to gain their attention. Not only was yelling losing its effects quickly, but I also noticed
that my kids started yelling more. By yelling too much, I was teaching my children that when
you are frustrated or mad about something, yelling is the appropriate way to handle it.
Second: Think about a time when somebody yelled at you? Did you
hear what the person was actually saying? Or were you more focused on the fact that somebody
was yelling at you, and that you "did not like it". Point: Nobody takes in information well if it
is done in a loud, over-reactive style. Most likely, when you are yelling, your child is not focused
at all on what you are saying, but rather the loudness/scary factor.
Trying to change to many behaviors at the same time:
Young kids just don't always have the recall yet to remember all the things that "they
are not supposed to do".
Behavior charts are a great tool, however, keep them simple. One or two goals with one or two
rewards. Behavior charts never worked well for me because I made them to complicated: too many
behavior changes, too many reward options....keep it simple. The kids could not understand it, so
how could they be engaged.
NEVER TAKE AWAY A REWARD THAT THEY HAVE EARNED.
I did this, and my kids, after having hard earned rewards taken away too many times they gave
up...they knew that they were going to screw up, being that they were 6yr. olds...so why bother.
To fix their thwarted enthusiasm, we had a family meeting and agreed that earned rewards can not
be taken away.
Inappropriate consequences - Consequences that you can't/won't follow thru on
Example: It's 3pm. your three year old has just sent you over the edge. You say,
"Susie, if you take your brothers toy away from him one more time, you are going to go to your
room for the rest of the night". (Susie's normal bedtime is 7:30). Mom: really? You are
going to send her to her room for the rest of the night, no dinner, nothing, banished to her room.
That's a tough one to follow thru on and easy to cave on. And, if you cave, you have just
taught Susie that consequences don't have to be taken seriously.
Now I need to qualify my stance on that: Do I believe that their is a time and a place for a very
firm consequence? Of course. But choose them wisely. Save the biggies for the lines that really
need to be drawn in the sand. Otherwise, like yelling, overdone consequences, punishments that
don't fit the crime will lose their effect.
Choose Your Words Wisely:
Picking consequences that are overkill or are not followed through on I think are the most
common mistakes we can make as parents. I have learned to really think seriously about the
consequences I am willing to dole out. Are they fair? Does it fit the crime? Is it a reasonable
one that I as a parent can follow thru on? EX: How many times have I heard a parent say (myself
included) to a child, "If you don't stop right now, we are going home!" okay, if you are at the park
that sounds reasonable....but said at an amusement park that you just paid $100.00 to enter...I
highly doubt you are going to "follow through" on this one. Let's face it...so does the kid.
Use your words wisely
Don't over talk. Dad's are better at this. I was terrible in this area. I talked too much about the
issue/behavior. I went on and on, (like my mom did) about the dreaded offense. What they did,
how could they? What were you thinking? Do you know what could have happened? UGH.
My come to Jesus meetings bounced right off of them ended up somewhere....definately not in
there heads...well, as least Jesus was possibly impressed. I talked to much. Too many words, too
little retention. Now I keep it simple...much like I talk to my husband. Sorry hubby.
Part 2 will include what worked.
Have a goodnight, 'QAnnie47
Monday, October 29, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Sensory Issues: When dressing becomes a problem
SENSORY ISSUES: CLOTHING ISSUES
Ahhh. Yes. I remember those days. Dressing issues seem to heighten right around pre-school age.
I think it's because by age 3-4 kids are able to better express themselves.
My hypersensitive child suddenly started limiting his shirt selection down to about four shirts. The other shirts were suddenly highly scrutinized: They were either "too big, too small, too rough, the shoulders were hitting in the wrong place, too long/short, and tags...well you can imagine.
Socks: I started noticing the sock issue during bike rides. About every 2 blocks, Michael did this stop/drop/pull up his socks thing. "Don't worry mom", he would call out, "I'll catch up". What was happening is that Michael could not "stand" the feel of the sock slipping down his legs. As his Sensory Issues were not yet realized, his sock issues grew worse. Socks started to become the enemy. It got to the point where there was not a sock in his drawer he would wear without a huge battle. Socks were starting to ruin his day.
The simple act of dressing was starting to unravel my child...
Jeans....ugh. Not as out of control as socks/shirts, but still a problem. He hated freshly laundered jeans. They were often a little stiff and he hated the feel so he would immediately remove them and rifle through his drawer, opting for a more "worn in", "softer" pair.
It was the way he tightened his belts that caused me to pause. He would tighten his belt to the
point that he had a permanent bruise on his belly button for about two years. (Sensory Integration therapy changed all that). It was the "shifting" that drove him nuts. Michael could feel the jeans shift against his abdominal area if the jeans were even a little loose. Hence... the belt.
Arlingtion Pediatric Therapy help me to understand how this was all "Sensory Related".
I brainstormed and came up with some remedies that worked well. Paired with Sensory Therapy, today, a year later, his dressing idiosyncrasy's are minimal.
Shirts: 1) I buy shirts that are exactly his size. (forget about the "he will grow into it approach).
2) I make sure the material is ultra soft and ALWAYS wash it first with a laundry
softener the first time. (your child may often boycott a shirt forever if his first
encounter is a negative one).
3) Sometimes sensory challenged kids will react to the "cold/stiff" feel against his body
that a fresh "Laundered shirt can have and reject it for that reason. Ask him to wear it
for 3-4 minutes. Sometimes their own body heat will fix the problem. If the material
feels to cold, it will warm and feel better. If the material is to stiff, after he wears
it for a couple of minutes, his body/brain will acclimate. Explain to them
why you are having them try this. You might be surprised what they can understand.
This worked very well with Michael by the way.
4) Never by a shirt with tags if you can't avoid it, or cut tag off.
5) Short sleeves seem to work best, even in the winter. Let your child guide you here in
these preferences.
SOCKS:
1) Stop buying socks in the children's department if your child is old enough.
The sock people all seem to be under the impression that kids
like highly cushioned, thick socks. Well they don't. In the woman's department you
have a better selection and are more likely to find socks tailored to your child's
sock needs. Lightweight and fewer seams. I have also found that ankle socks work
best. They don't fall down and frustrate the child.
JEANS:
1) Jeans that are soft, and are a really good fit I found work best. TIP: those jeans
that have the adjustable waist? Cut off the buttons and forget the adjustable
options. He/she may not wear them because they will feel the inner button.
2) Skinny Jeans seem to work well. (they hug the body and don't shift)
3) Pre-washed ones are better too because of the softness.
EMOTIONAL SUPPORT:
1) Make sure he/she has ample time to dress.
2) Stay there with them to encourage and remind him about some of the tips I suggested.
3) Make sure you stay calm. Your child will at times gage his reaction according
to what he is feeling off of you. If you are stressed and frustrated, I can assure
you it will exascerbate the situation. On the flip-side, if you remain calm, and
supportive it will lend the emotional support that your child needs.
Make a big deal about how well dressing went that day.."Boy Michael, I see that even though that shirt looked uncomfortable you remembered to give it a little time and it worked!!"
Add one shirt/jean/sock, at a time to his wardrobe. If you overwhelm him with too many options, it could put you back two steps.
Last but not least...while I know it is difficult and disheartening to watch you child go through this phase of sensory issues, know that he/she will get through this, you will get through this. Eventually you will start to figure out how to navigate dressing issues, eventually your child will start to sensory integrate and emotionally regulate and dressing issues will "be a thing of the past". I promise. They may still have preferences, but don't we all? So hang tough, it's going to be OKAY.
Hope this was helpful.
QAnnie
Ahhh. Yes. I remember those days. Dressing issues seem to heighten right around pre-school age.
I think it's because by age 3-4 kids are able to better express themselves.
My hypersensitive child suddenly started limiting his shirt selection down to about four shirts. The other shirts were suddenly highly scrutinized: They were either "too big, too small, too rough, the shoulders were hitting in the wrong place, too long/short, and tags...well you can imagine.
Socks: I started noticing the sock issue during bike rides. About every 2 blocks, Michael did this stop/drop/pull up his socks thing. "Don't worry mom", he would call out, "I'll catch up". What was happening is that Michael could not "stand" the feel of the sock slipping down his legs. As his Sensory Issues were not yet realized, his sock issues grew worse. Socks started to become the enemy. It got to the point where there was not a sock in his drawer he would wear without a huge battle. Socks were starting to ruin his day.
The simple act of dressing was starting to unravel my child...
Jeans....ugh. Not as out of control as socks/shirts, but still a problem. He hated freshly laundered jeans. They were often a little stiff and he hated the feel so he would immediately remove them and rifle through his drawer, opting for a more "worn in", "softer" pair.
It was the way he tightened his belts that caused me to pause. He would tighten his belt to the
point that he had a permanent bruise on his belly button for about two years. (Sensory Integration therapy changed all that). It was the "shifting" that drove him nuts. Michael could feel the jeans shift against his abdominal area if the jeans were even a little loose. Hence... the belt.
Arlingtion Pediatric Therapy help me to understand how this was all "Sensory Related".
I brainstormed and came up with some remedies that worked well. Paired with Sensory Therapy, today, a year later, his dressing idiosyncrasy's are minimal.
Shirts: 1) I buy shirts that are exactly his size. (forget about the "he will grow into it approach).
2) I make sure the material is ultra soft and ALWAYS wash it first with a laundry
softener the first time. (your child may often boycott a shirt forever if his first
encounter is a negative one).
3) Sometimes sensory challenged kids will react to the "cold/stiff" feel against his body
that a fresh "Laundered shirt can have and reject it for that reason. Ask him to wear it
for 3-4 minutes. Sometimes their own body heat will fix the problem. If the material
feels to cold, it will warm and feel better. If the material is to stiff, after he wears
it for a couple of minutes, his body/brain will acclimate. Explain to them
why you are having them try this. You might be surprised what they can understand.
This worked very well with Michael by the way.
4) Never by a shirt with tags if you can't avoid it, or cut tag off.
5) Short sleeves seem to work best, even in the winter. Let your child guide you here in
these preferences.
SOCKS:
1) Stop buying socks in the children's department if your child is old enough.
The sock people all seem to be under the impression that kids
like highly cushioned, thick socks. Well they don't. In the woman's department you
have a better selection and are more likely to find socks tailored to your child's
sock needs. Lightweight and fewer seams. I have also found that ankle socks work
best. They don't fall down and frustrate the child.
JEANS:
1) Jeans that are soft, and are a really good fit I found work best. TIP: those jeans
that have the adjustable waist? Cut off the buttons and forget the adjustable
options. He/she may not wear them because they will feel the inner button.
2) Skinny Jeans seem to work well. (they hug the body and don't shift)
3) Pre-washed ones are better too because of the softness.
EMOTIONAL SUPPORT:
1) Make sure he/she has ample time to dress.
2) Stay there with them to encourage and remind him about some of the tips I suggested.
3) Make sure you stay calm. Your child will at times gage his reaction according
to what he is feeling off of you. If you are stressed and frustrated, I can assure
you it will exascerbate the situation. On the flip-side, if you remain calm, and
supportive it will lend the emotional support that your child needs.
Make a big deal about how well dressing went that day.."Boy Michael, I see that even though that shirt looked uncomfortable you remembered to give it a little time and it worked!!"
Add one shirt/jean/sock, at a time to his wardrobe. If you overwhelm him with too many options, it could put you back two steps.
Last but not least...while I know it is difficult and disheartening to watch you child go through this phase of sensory issues, know that he/she will get through this, you will get through this. Eventually you will start to figure out how to navigate dressing issues, eventually your child will start to sensory integrate and emotionally regulate and dressing issues will "be a thing of the past". I promise. They may still have preferences, but don't we all? So hang tough, it's going to be OKAY.
Hope this was helpful.
QAnnie
Monday, October 22, 2012
BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS AT SCHOOL..Dealing with teachers
Both my children had a rough start as early as Kindergarten. I had a rough start as well. I made some mistakes, and I did some things right. Handling these issues wisely can often make a BIG difference in the outcome of your child's academic experience...
1) Assume your child is in a good school. (check school report card).
2) Assume your child's teacher is not only good, but cares.
3) When the first problem arises respond immediately: Either by email or phone call.
4) Be a good listener to what the teacher/principal has to say about the issue.
5) Do not give a defensive reaction: Remember, the teacher does not really know your child
just yet. Especially if it happens early on in the year.
6) Assume that the reason for the call/write-up is the teacher's attempt to solve the issue and
genuinely wants your child to succeed in school.
7) Accept the fact that the teacher is going to "wonder" if this is a parenting issue.
8) Share information with the teacher. Most likely, a call/write up is a teachers attempt to
better understand your child. Don't be afraid to share diagnosis's your child has received
or any special therapies they may be receiving.
9) Don't be afraid of your child being "labeled". The schools these days are filled with students
whom are dealing with special needs: ADHD, ODD, Sensory Issues to name a few. The
negative stigmas just don't happen anymore. Educator are much more informed
regarding the spectrum of issues many kids face these days. Rather, special needs are often
embraced and viewed by schools as an opportunity to help your child.
10) Know that by being open, non-defensive, and willing to share information will build a
relationship with the teacher and it will change how they view you. When a teacher knows
that a parent really cares you have a much higher chance of ending up with a teacher who
is willing to go the extra mile and work with you to ensure that your child's academic
experience is a successful one.
I hope these tips are helpful. When I changed my own perceptions and decided to work with
these educators, instead of assuming the worst, it made the world of difference.
QAnnie
Thursday, October 18, 2012
SENSORY & AUDITORY PROCESSING DISORDERS: Part 2
Sensory Issues. I shared with you information about my son Michael, who is Hyper-Sensitive. Now I would like to share what I learned about Everett, who also had some Sensory Issues/Auditory Processing Issues. Everett is Hypo-Sensitive. Meaning, while his brother, being too sensitive to stimuli, feeling too much, his brother, Hypo, didn't feel enough. The stimuli was there for him, but his system failed to take it in and organize it properly enough so that his brain could say, "okay, I'm good",
Here is what it looked like for Everett. Everett has always been high strung as well. To an extreme. If you watched my son in a room full of his peers, this is what you would have seen. He was the loudest kid in the room. He would be touching, leaning, bumping into other kids over and over again. Navigating his environment included tripping, falling, bumping, rubbing ...into, and onto everything. Person, place or thing. He loved sitting on my lap. Sitting in a chair was painful to watch: fidgeting, turning around and around on it, hanging off to the side of it, falling off of it....can you see the visual?. TOUCH. Everett seemed to require a lot of it. In any shape or form. From any person place or thing.
Pain threshold. While his brother cried bloody murder at the mildest infraction, Everett seemed to feel little or no pain at all. He very rarely cries out in pain. I've watched him take hard falls, falls where I would have cried..not him, nope. Everett would fall, appear to barely notice, pick himself back up, and keep on going. One time I came home from work, and he had a big gash on his toe that looked like it required stitches. When I asked him what had happened, he responded, "I don't know, I didn't know it was there." Huh? Geez. One time, at about age 3, during a doctors visit, his doctor noticed so many bruises on his shins that he ran a test for leukemia. I knew he was fine, but I let him run the test and explained that Everett's mind/body connection seemed to have a disconnect. He would kneel on very hard edges that would make any of us yelp out in pain and seemed to not feel a thing . Over time, I just chalked it up to the fact that he just had a very HIGH pain tolerance.
When he was a baby, I was always combating diaper rashes. Why? Where his brother cried immediately when his diaper was soiled, Everett was content to just sit in it for ever. I learned to be very vigilant with him because he just never let me know.
Another quirk: Everett does not seem to feel the temperature changes. When it's hot, he is never hot. When it's cold, it is a battle to get him to wear a jacket. The other day it was 40 degrees outside and there he was, outside looking very content. "Aren't you cold?" I would ask, "no" he would reply. Amazing. Middle of winter, this child will sleep in shorts with no shirt and sometimes no blanket.
When it came to any form of stimuli, Everett just loved it. Climbing high places, jumping from high places, trampolines, jumpies....if he got good physical feedback to his body/brain, he loved it.
Emotional Control: Non-existent. He was very low on the spectrum and not reaching the milestones that other kids his ages were developing. He was impulsive, over-stimulated easily, difficult to control, prone to temper-tantrums, and had no social awareness at all.
He looked like a poster child for ADHD.
He looked un-focused, (because he was always looking for the next sensory input), easily distracted, in constant movement. Sitting for a book was impossible, so teaching him ABC...123....was difficult.
Food. Another quirk: Eating was interesting. A. He was always missing his mouth. B. When he did get the food in his mouth, it was always big heaping spoonfuls and I was always waiting for him to choke. Thank god he never did. If you gave him gum he would put jam 3 pieces in his mouth when I wasn't looking. Fruit roll-ups for example were just crammed in and swallowed. We would laugh, the kid was a coconut. Just Everett being Everett.
All the pieces of the puzzle back then, meant nothing to me.
Tuesday's Child. An intensive program designed to help parents with kids who are having behavior problems.
It was there that I gleaned my first insight in understanding my child.
"I think Everett has Sensory Issues". The psychologist said. She then proceeded to go thru his sensory profile that she had done. Huh. Hypo-Sensitive. Everett. All those little quirks, the odd behaviors we did not understand. The eating, over-active behavior, low emotional control, high pain threshold, needing to touch, bump and grind into everything. Not ADHD. Huh. I cried. Not sure of more fears or relief at the moment...but definitely of gratitude. Somebody understood my child.
Off we went to Arlington Pediatric Mgmt. Arlington Pediatric Mgmt He was tested again, and the same diagnosis. Sensory Processing Disorder: Hypo-Sensitive along with some very mild Auditory Processing issues. (I'll talk about the Auditory another time).
Along with his brother, he too started the therapy. His therapist was great. She was very intuitive and "got" Everett right away. The good news was that his issues were mild. He went twice a week. He responded very well and after about six months, he was released. He was still a bit high strung, but his Auditory processing was now age appropriate. This improvement lended itself to greater comprehension, memory input/recall which allowed him to better following directions, express himself, which lead to better self control. Everett himself noticed the difference and he was proud. As well he should be.
Down the road, Everett encountered some more hurdles, which eventually lead to a PANDAS diagnosis. This was the final piece to the puzzle. (I have a post on PANDAS).
I am happy to report that Everett is doing exceptionally well. He is truly a different kid. He is sensory integrated. He is calm, focused, self-regulating, socially aware, and doing well in 1st grade.
I am so grateful to all the excellent professionals that were sincere, diligent, and worked so hard to make Everett's world a more happier, well adjusted one.
QAnnie
Here is what it looked like for Everett. Everett has always been high strung as well. To an extreme. If you watched my son in a room full of his peers, this is what you would have seen. He was the loudest kid in the room. He would be touching, leaning, bumping into other kids over and over again. Navigating his environment included tripping, falling, bumping, rubbing ...into, and onto everything. Person, place or thing. He loved sitting on my lap. Sitting in a chair was painful to watch: fidgeting, turning around and around on it, hanging off to the side of it, falling off of it....can you see the visual?. TOUCH. Everett seemed to require a lot of it. In any shape or form. From any person place or thing.
Pain threshold. While his brother cried bloody murder at the mildest infraction, Everett seemed to feel little or no pain at all. He very rarely cries out in pain. I've watched him take hard falls, falls where I would have cried..not him, nope. Everett would fall, appear to barely notice, pick himself back up, and keep on going. One time I came home from work, and he had a big gash on his toe that looked like it required stitches. When I asked him what had happened, he responded, "I don't know, I didn't know it was there." Huh? Geez. One time, at about age 3, during a doctors visit, his doctor noticed so many bruises on his shins that he ran a test for leukemia. I knew he was fine, but I let him run the test and explained that Everett's mind/body connection seemed to have a disconnect. He would kneel on very hard edges that would make any of us yelp out in pain and seemed to not feel a thing . Over time, I just chalked it up to the fact that he just had a very HIGH pain tolerance.
When he was a baby, I was always combating diaper rashes. Why? Where his brother cried immediately when his diaper was soiled, Everett was content to just sit in it for ever. I learned to be very vigilant with him because he just never let me know.
Another quirk: Everett does not seem to feel the temperature changes. When it's hot, he is never hot. When it's cold, it is a battle to get him to wear a jacket. The other day it was 40 degrees outside and there he was, outside looking very content. "Aren't you cold?" I would ask, "no" he would reply. Amazing. Middle of winter, this child will sleep in shorts with no shirt and sometimes no blanket.
When it came to any form of stimuli, Everett just loved it. Climbing high places, jumping from high places, trampolines, jumpies....if he got good physical feedback to his body/brain, he loved it.
Emotional Control: Non-existent. He was very low on the spectrum and not reaching the milestones that other kids his ages were developing. He was impulsive, over-stimulated easily, difficult to control, prone to temper-tantrums, and had no social awareness at all.
He looked like a poster child for ADHD.
He looked un-focused, (because he was always looking for the next sensory input), easily distracted, in constant movement. Sitting for a book was impossible, so teaching him ABC...123....was difficult.
Food. Another quirk: Eating was interesting. A. He was always missing his mouth. B. When he did get the food in his mouth, it was always big heaping spoonfuls and I was always waiting for him to choke. Thank god he never did. If you gave him gum he would put jam 3 pieces in his mouth when I wasn't looking. Fruit roll-ups for example were just crammed in and swallowed. We would laugh, the kid was a coconut. Just Everett being Everett.
All the pieces of the puzzle back then, meant nothing to me.
Tuesday's Child. An intensive program designed to help parents with kids who are having behavior problems.
It was there that I gleaned my first insight in understanding my child.
"I think Everett has Sensory Issues". The psychologist said. She then proceeded to go thru his sensory profile that she had done. Huh. Hypo-Sensitive. Everett. All those little quirks, the odd behaviors we did not understand. The eating, over-active behavior, low emotional control, high pain threshold, needing to touch, bump and grind into everything. Not ADHD. Huh. I cried. Not sure of more fears or relief at the moment...but definitely of gratitude. Somebody understood my child.
Off we went to Arlington Pediatric Mgmt. Arlington Pediatric Mgmt He was tested again, and the same diagnosis. Sensory Processing Disorder: Hypo-Sensitive along with some very mild Auditory Processing issues. (I'll talk about the Auditory another time).
Along with his brother, he too started the therapy. His therapist was great. She was very intuitive and "got" Everett right away. The good news was that his issues were mild. He went twice a week. He responded very well and after about six months, he was released. He was still a bit high strung, but his Auditory processing was now age appropriate. This improvement lended itself to greater comprehension, memory input/recall which allowed him to better following directions, express himself, which lead to better self control. Everett himself noticed the difference and he was proud. As well he should be.
Down the road, Everett encountered some more hurdles, which eventually lead to a PANDAS diagnosis. This was the final piece to the puzzle. (I have a post on PANDAS).
I am happy to report that Everett is doing exceptionally well. He is truly a different kid. He is sensory integrated. He is calm, focused, self-regulating, socially aware, and doing well in 1st grade.
I am so grateful to all the excellent professionals that were sincere, diligent, and worked so hard to make Everett's world a more happier, well adjusted one.
QAnnie
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
BOOKS I Recommend
BOOKS FOR MOM & DAD
The Zones of Regulation, by Leah M. Kuypers, MA Ed. ORT/L
A workbook you can use at home to help your child take control of his feelings/emotions
The Incredible years, by Carolyn Webster-Stratton, Ph.D.
A great guide for trouble-shooting for kids ages 3-8
The Out of Sync Child, by Carol Stock Kranowitz
A great resource to learn about sensory disorders
BOOKS FOR KIDS
Zach Gets Frustrated, by William Mulcahy
My Feelings Have Names, by Shelia & Rae Simons
Why Should I Listen?, by Claire Llewell
The Zones of Regulation, by Leah M. Kuypers, MA Ed. ORT/L
A workbook you can use at home to help your child take control of his feelings/emotions
The Incredible years, by Carolyn Webster-Stratton, Ph.D.
A great guide for trouble-shooting for kids ages 3-8
The Out of Sync Child, by Carol Stock Kranowitz
A great resource to learn about sensory disorders
BOOKS FOR KIDS
Zach Gets Frustrated, by William Mulcahy
My Feelings Have Names, by Shelia & Rae Simons
Why Should I Listen?, by Claire Llewell
Monday, October 15, 2012
Sensory Processing Disorders: Part 1 of 2
SPD'S, SI, Sensory Processing Disorder, all the same thing really. Just a variety of terms. They come packaged in many different ways, for example, there is Hyper-sensitive (my Michael) & Hypo-sensitive (Everett). I guess God knows I like a variety. Today I would like to share some of the characteristics of this disorder. I will start with Hyper-sensitive. Again, I am not a doctor, specialist, teacher...just a mom. A mom that has exerted an incredible amount of energy in the quest of "What in the world is wrong with my kid?".
Over the last four years, Michael has several received many possible diagnosis's. Nobody was willing to commit to one. For many good reasons. For one, he was just three when I started to get concerned, and to the credit of the many professionals out there, most of them are very very careful when it came to putting a Big diagnosis on a child. Why? Mainly, as I now know, such young kids can change and change fast. What looks like ADHD at age three can be whole different monkey by age five. Kids are amazing, how they change, and while I was quite anxious in my quest to figure out my children, I am grateful for the many individuals that were careful, methodical, and slow to paint my child with a big label. In the end, we landed on SPD. Sensory Processing Disorder.
As I stated earlier, the clinical behavior, set of symptoms, is diverse and unique to each child. For my Michael it looked like this: Somewhere around age three is when I started to be a little concerned. Both my kids had SO much energy. People said, as they should, "they're boys!. I got that, but here was one difference. While I get the fundamental difference between boy/girls, what I was picking up on was a more erratic type of energy. Michael was never calm. I mean never calm. He never sat. Never. He would not sit for a book, puzzle, and toys were never played with as intended. He would attempt something, but quickly abandon it if he was the least bit frustrated. Okay, still only two, I get it, and really there is a lot of wisdom to that.
Age three. Time for preschool. I was a wreck. By age three, Michael was still unable to sit for any period of time, (I had still yet been unable to get thru one book). So he did not know any of his letters or numbers yet. No big deal, that's what preschool is for right? Usually. Preschool was unfortunately not Michael's finest hour. His teacher, "give him time", barely looked at me by the end of the year. Michael had made no improvement. He had no interest sitting at circle time, learning letters or numbers, and any form of behavior mgmt fell on deaf ears. He wasn't a "bad child", but an out of control one. He ran when he wanted, talked out of turn, blatantly ignored the teachers rules, and often took control of the classroom with his antics. I would try to talk to him, but his impulse control was minimal, his ability to self control was non-existent, and there seemed not to be any one thing that motivated him to change. "He is a bright child, the director said, don't worry", (she was actually right). At this time, however, I was starting to be concerned about ADHD. However, for various reasons, he did not really fit the bill. "give him time" his teachers suggested, so I did. Kindergarten would perhaps be a whole different experience.
With the summer ahead of us, I figured we had plenty of time for growth and maturity. Well, that did not go as planned either. My mother radar was sensing dread, not excitement that first day of school. Unfortunately, my gut was right. After two weeks of a very ambitious half day kindergarten curriculum, my Michael completely fell apart. Unraveled. From the minute of getting off the bus, the stress of having to sit still all afternoon, listen to books (I still had not accomplished one cover to cover read book), having to learn to read and write, Michael was a wreck. When he would come home, excuse my expression, all Hell broke lose. He would scream at me, punch, kick, hurt his brother, refuse to comply with any house rules ranging from sitting at the dinner table, picking up toys, jumping on furniture...while most of his peers were experiencing growth/maturity milestones, Michael was about at age 2. I was unable to reach him with words or actions. When trying to talk to him about a problem, he would put his hands over his ears, refuse to look at me, tune me out, and shut down. He became mouthy, stubborn, and at times vindictive. He no longer awakened in a chipper mood. Quite frankly, I didn't know what to expect when he awakened the next morning.
As time went by, I noticed other alarming traits. Clothing was becoming a bigger issue. While he never loved button down shirts, long sleeve shirts, shirts that were too big/too small (by his standards), his wardrobe choices were becoming very limited. He had about thirty shirts in which to choose from and yet there were only about four he would wear. Dressing became an ordeal. He cried. He cried a lot. As soon as I said it was time to dress, I could see the anxiety written all over his face. He now hated socks. The seams bothered him greatly and were capable of unraveling him and set the stage for a "not so great day". Tags on shirts I quickly cut off. He cinched his belt so tightly because he could not stand feeling his jeans shift against his skin. He had a permanent bruise across his belly button for two years. He tied his shoes so tight, they looked like it hurt. Ugh. Strings drove him crazy on any article of clothing.
He hated water. He hated water in the form of baths or showers. He screamed when we would wash is hair, I mean bloody murder. And that reminds me,any time he hurt himself, even in the smallest way, he would scream like it was just killing him.
His nails? (fingers & toes) he became obsessed with cutting them very very short. I had to hide the clippers because he would cut them himself when I was not looking, and often too short. I believe this was due his "over feeling" the sensations when his nails came in contact with something.
He hated loud places like movie theaters... places that provided lots of stimuli caused him to become too wound up or he would completely shut down. He would go to a spot, look down, and refuse to look up, or talk. I had no remedy for this except time had proven to me that I just had to give him his space until he could come out of it.
He began to look like an ODD child. He was moody, snarky, non-compliant, aggressive to the point of hurting others. When I tried to send him to his room for a time-out, he would kick the door until I thought it was going to fall off the hinges. There was a time or two he even put holes in his walls. I will never for get the time that he ripped half of the wall paper off his walls. He was miserable, and so was I. It broke my heart, this child of mine.
That year was the year to get serious. The writing was on the wall. My child was not going to grow out of this, and no amount of behavior mgmt/consequence/talking to him was going to change him. So I went to the professionals, the best I could find, and eventually enrolled him in a program that was called "Tuesdays Child", in Chicago IL.Tuesday's Child Its a program that integrates classes for parents along with a play based program in which their psychologist can evaluate your child. Several weeks later, the results were in....Michael was dealing with Sensory Issues, believed to be the culprit behind all this crazy behavior. Sensory Issues? Say what?!!! What is that??? Not having any knowledge about what they were talking about, I took a deep breath, decided to trust them, bought the suggested book, The Out of Sync child, by Carol Stock Kranowitz, and read it. "HOLY CATS!" This book was my child. My husband's response, "you think every book is your child", okay I'll give him that one, but in this case, I had a feeling that this time I might be right.
So off we went to SI therapy. Michael's therapist was excellent. She was very intuitive, and handled Michael brilliantly. When he emerged from his first session, Cathy, his therapist said, "he did great". I looked down at Michael, I noticed he had his ever too tight belt in his hand. His laces, which were usually tightened up like ice skates, were now very loose. "He didn't like it", she smiled, "but he did it". Michael looked like he wanted to spit tacks....She smiled, let me be the bad guy. He's gonna be okay. As we stomped out the door, Michael announced "I am never going here again!".
This began Micheal's re-entry into the world in a more "sensory integrated way of being". It took about 6 month, Luckily, as rough at it seemed, Michael was on the mild end of the spectrum, so he responded well and I can report today that He is doing really really well. Therapy ended at the beginning of summer. He went the whole season with no dressing, washing, gym shoe/belt issues. I don't think I saw one major tantrum all summer, and defiantly no door kicking or hole making. His demeanor, he now wakes up happier, more content, consistent. Regulating his emotions has included small, baby steps, but I see progress.
The start of 1st grade has gone better then ever expected. Now don't get me wrong. Some days are many times just great, others, little bit hectic. However, the hectic days are farther between. Michael still has some growth to do in regards to impulse control, snarky moments, and some aggression, the start of 1st grade has brought some stress to his inborn temperament. But I am thrilled. All in all, he his on his way to being the well adjusted child that a mom hopes for.
A word of caution. Please don't read this and think you have it all figured out if you can relate. My advise, be wise, take your time, find professionals that you can trust and then trust your gut. Always trust your gut. And know, what I did not know, three years ago, things are going to be alright. Goodnight, QAnnie
I tried to teach my child with books,
He only gave me dirty looks
I tried to teach my child with words
They passed him by often unheard
Desparingly I turned aside
How do I teach this child I cried
Into my hand he put the key........
Come he said and play with me.
author unknown
Over the last four years, Michael has several received many possible diagnosis's. Nobody was willing to commit to one. For many good reasons. For one, he was just three when I started to get concerned, and to the credit of the many professionals out there, most of them are very very careful when it came to putting a Big diagnosis on a child. Why? Mainly, as I now know, such young kids can change and change fast. What looks like ADHD at age three can be whole different monkey by age five. Kids are amazing, how they change, and while I was quite anxious in my quest to figure out my children, I am grateful for the many individuals that were careful, methodical, and slow to paint my child with a big label. In the end, we landed on SPD. Sensory Processing Disorder.
As I stated earlier, the clinical behavior, set of symptoms, is diverse and unique to each child. For my Michael it looked like this: Somewhere around age three is when I started to be a little concerned. Both my kids had SO much energy. People said, as they should, "they're boys!. I got that, but here was one difference. While I get the fundamental difference between boy/girls, what I was picking up on was a more erratic type of energy. Michael was never calm. I mean never calm. He never sat. Never. He would not sit for a book, puzzle, and toys were never played with as intended. He would attempt something, but quickly abandon it if he was the least bit frustrated. Okay, still only two, I get it, and really there is a lot of wisdom to that.
Age three. Time for preschool. I was a wreck. By age three, Michael was still unable to sit for any period of time, (I had still yet been unable to get thru one book). So he did not know any of his letters or numbers yet. No big deal, that's what preschool is for right? Usually. Preschool was unfortunately not Michael's finest hour. His teacher, "give him time", barely looked at me by the end of the year. Michael had made no improvement. He had no interest sitting at circle time, learning letters or numbers, and any form of behavior mgmt fell on deaf ears. He wasn't a "bad child", but an out of control one. He ran when he wanted, talked out of turn, blatantly ignored the teachers rules, and often took control of the classroom with his antics. I would try to talk to him, but his impulse control was minimal, his ability to self control was non-existent, and there seemed not to be any one thing that motivated him to change. "He is a bright child, the director said, don't worry", (she was actually right). At this time, however, I was starting to be concerned about ADHD. However, for various reasons, he did not really fit the bill. "give him time" his teachers suggested, so I did. Kindergarten would perhaps be a whole different experience.
With the summer ahead of us, I figured we had plenty of time for growth and maturity. Well, that did not go as planned either. My mother radar was sensing dread, not excitement that first day of school. Unfortunately, my gut was right. After two weeks of a very ambitious half day kindergarten curriculum, my Michael completely fell apart. Unraveled. From the minute of getting off the bus, the stress of having to sit still all afternoon, listen to books (I still had not accomplished one cover to cover read book), having to learn to read and write, Michael was a wreck. When he would come home, excuse my expression, all Hell broke lose. He would scream at me, punch, kick, hurt his brother, refuse to comply with any house rules ranging from sitting at the dinner table, picking up toys, jumping on furniture...while most of his peers were experiencing growth/maturity milestones, Michael was about at age 2. I was unable to reach him with words or actions. When trying to talk to him about a problem, he would put his hands over his ears, refuse to look at me, tune me out, and shut down. He became mouthy, stubborn, and at times vindictive. He no longer awakened in a chipper mood. Quite frankly, I didn't know what to expect when he awakened the next morning.
As time went by, I noticed other alarming traits. Clothing was becoming a bigger issue. While he never loved button down shirts, long sleeve shirts, shirts that were too big/too small (by his standards), his wardrobe choices were becoming very limited. He had about thirty shirts in which to choose from and yet there were only about four he would wear. Dressing became an ordeal. He cried. He cried a lot. As soon as I said it was time to dress, I could see the anxiety written all over his face. He now hated socks. The seams bothered him greatly and were capable of unraveling him and set the stage for a "not so great day". Tags on shirts I quickly cut off. He cinched his belt so tightly because he could not stand feeling his jeans shift against his skin. He had a permanent bruise across his belly button for two years. He tied his shoes so tight, they looked like it hurt. Ugh. Strings drove him crazy on any article of clothing.
He hated water. He hated water in the form of baths or showers. He screamed when we would wash is hair, I mean bloody murder. And that reminds me,any time he hurt himself, even in the smallest way, he would scream like it was just killing him.
His nails? (fingers & toes) he became obsessed with cutting them very very short. I had to hide the clippers because he would cut them himself when I was not looking, and often too short. I believe this was due his "over feeling" the sensations when his nails came in contact with something.
He hated loud places like movie theaters... places that provided lots of stimuli caused him to become too wound up or he would completely shut down. He would go to a spot, look down, and refuse to look up, or talk. I had no remedy for this except time had proven to me that I just had to give him his space until he could come out of it.
He began to look like an ODD child. He was moody, snarky, non-compliant, aggressive to the point of hurting others. When I tried to send him to his room for a time-out, he would kick the door until I thought it was going to fall off the hinges. There was a time or two he even put holes in his walls. I will never for get the time that he ripped half of the wall paper off his walls. He was miserable, and so was I. It broke my heart, this child of mine.
That year was the year to get serious. The writing was on the wall. My child was not going to grow out of this, and no amount of behavior mgmt/consequence/talking to him was going to change him. So I went to the professionals, the best I could find, and eventually enrolled him in a program that was called "Tuesdays Child", in Chicago IL.Tuesday's Child Its a program that integrates classes for parents along with a play based program in which their psychologist can evaluate your child. Several weeks later, the results were in....Michael was dealing with Sensory Issues, believed to be the culprit behind all this crazy behavior. Sensory Issues? Say what?!!! What is that??? Not having any knowledge about what they were talking about, I took a deep breath, decided to trust them, bought the suggested book, The Out of Sync child, by Carol Stock Kranowitz, and read it. "HOLY CATS!" This book was my child. My husband's response, "you think every book is your child", okay I'll give him that one, but in this case, I had a feeling that this time I might be right.
So off we went to SI therapy. Michael's therapist was excellent. She was very intuitive, and handled Michael brilliantly. When he emerged from his first session, Cathy, his therapist said, "he did great". I looked down at Michael, I noticed he had his ever too tight belt in his hand. His laces, which were usually tightened up like ice skates, were now very loose. "He didn't like it", she smiled, "but he did it". Michael looked like he wanted to spit tacks....She smiled, let me be the bad guy. He's gonna be okay. As we stomped out the door, Michael announced "I am never going here again!".
This began Micheal's re-entry into the world in a more "sensory integrated way of being". It took about 6 month, Luckily, as rough at it seemed, Michael was on the mild end of the spectrum, so he responded well and I can report today that He is doing really really well. Therapy ended at the beginning of summer. He went the whole season with no dressing, washing, gym shoe/belt issues. I don't think I saw one major tantrum all summer, and defiantly no door kicking or hole making. His demeanor, he now wakes up happier, more content, consistent. Regulating his emotions has included small, baby steps, but I see progress.
The start of 1st grade has gone better then ever expected. Now don't get me wrong. Some days are many times just great, others, little bit hectic. However, the hectic days are farther between. Michael still has some growth to do in regards to impulse control, snarky moments, and some aggression, the start of 1st grade has brought some stress to his inborn temperament. But I am thrilled. All in all, he his on his way to being the well adjusted child that a mom hopes for.
A word of caution. Please don't read this and think you have it all figured out if you can relate. My advise, be wise, take your time, find professionals that you can trust and then trust your gut. Always trust your gut. And know, what I did not know, three years ago, things are going to be alright. Goodnight, QAnnie
I tried to teach my child with books,
He only gave me dirty looks
I tried to teach my child with words
They passed him by often unheard
Desparingly I turned aside
How do I teach this child I cried
Into my hand he put the key........
Come he said and play with me.
author unknown
Friday, October 12, 2012
SENSORY ISSUES. Does Michael ever get to be Michael?
Does Michael ever get to be Michael?
A trusted friend asked me this question not that long ago. It caused me to pause.
Sensory Issues. They come packaged in many different ways. It has truly been a learning experience. Michael's Sensory Issues, (he is hyper-sensitive) has taught me many things as a mom. It has taught me patience and how to love deeper. I have learned that when my world looks like its falling apart, I can dig deep, do the work, and set it back on it axis. Most importantly, I have learned that I don't know everything, and I can make big mistakes. The good news is that I haven't found a mistake that can't be undone.
So, back to the question. The answer led to yet another "AHA" Oprah moment, and another shift in the way I view and understand my son. I had been sharing all along with my friend, Michelle, my journey through the world of Sensory Issues. She knows my struggles, fears, accomplishments, and the great leaps we have made in helping my son thru this. One day I had been sharing my concerns and embarrassment over Michael's "snarkey, mouthy side". As a parent, you would understand why this side of him would be troubling. Yes? Yes. So, I was saying to Michelle, "Ugh, I can't wait until we work thru this snarky side with Michael. It just drives me crazy and there are days that it seems that no matter what I do, I just can't get him to stop this". My friend then tilted her head and asked, "When does Michael ever get to be Michael?", "I mean, you have spent quite a bit of time teaching me about Sensory Issues, and have pointed out that it seems to go hand in hand with delayed maturity, emotional regulation weaknesses, and poor impulse control. You have even shared with me that at this time, whether Michael is overly happy, say at a party, or anxious, say at school, that he often has the same response to stimuli. Snarky, loud, touching other kids. You have explained that at this time, when he is overwhelmed by stimuli such as these that he has not yet learned any other tools to cope. Yes? So I ask....Why are you trying to snuff out completely the only emotional release/tool that your son has at this time to express himself?" "So I ask again, Does Michael ever get to be Michael?".
In that moment my mind flashed back to a day when Michael was sitting at our kitchen table, and I had just told him how perfect he was, and how much I loved him. He looked at me square in the eye and said, "Then why are you trying to change me?". He was five at the time. Brilliant really.
With Tears in my eyes, the truth hitting me hard in the stomach. I answered my very smart friends question... " not so much."
Wisdom....It comes from many places if your willing to embrace it. I realized in that moment that while I have done a lot of right things with my children, in this case I was wrong. I realized while I pondered the question, that as a mom, yes, I needed to curb certain behaviors, and help my child to grow and mature. I realized that loving Michael also meant accepting him, respecting his feelings, and giving him the gift of allowing him to be who he is at this time in his life. That while I will work hard to teach Michael, and guide him, I also need to be his "soft place in which he can fall".
As a mom, I have revised the plan again. I will dedicate certain times of the day in which I will embrace my son and allow him to let out his pent up emotions, frustrations....all the feelings that he should get out...needs to get out. In those moments, I will Love him just a little bit more. And let Michael be Micheal. QAnnie
A trusted friend asked me this question not that long ago. It caused me to pause.
Sensory Issues. They come packaged in many different ways. It has truly been a learning experience. Michael's Sensory Issues, (he is hyper-sensitive) has taught me many things as a mom. It has taught me patience and how to love deeper. I have learned that when my world looks like its falling apart, I can dig deep, do the work, and set it back on it axis. Most importantly, I have learned that I don't know everything, and I can make big mistakes. The good news is that I haven't found a mistake that can't be undone.
So, back to the question. The answer led to yet another "AHA" Oprah moment, and another shift in the way I view and understand my son. I had been sharing all along with my friend, Michelle, my journey through the world of Sensory Issues. She knows my struggles, fears, accomplishments, and the great leaps we have made in helping my son thru this. One day I had been sharing my concerns and embarrassment over Michael's "snarkey, mouthy side". As a parent, you would understand why this side of him would be troubling. Yes? Yes. So, I was saying to Michelle, "Ugh, I can't wait until we work thru this snarky side with Michael. It just drives me crazy and there are days that it seems that no matter what I do, I just can't get him to stop this". My friend then tilted her head and asked, "When does Michael ever get to be Michael?", "I mean, you have spent quite a bit of time teaching me about Sensory Issues, and have pointed out that it seems to go hand in hand with delayed maturity, emotional regulation weaknesses, and poor impulse control. You have even shared with me that at this time, whether Michael is overly happy, say at a party, or anxious, say at school, that he often has the same response to stimuli. Snarky, loud, touching other kids. You have explained that at this time, when he is overwhelmed by stimuli such as these that he has not yet learned any other tools to cope. Yes? So I ask....Why are you trying to snuff out completely the only emotional release/tool that your son has at this time to express himself?" "So I ask again, Does Michael ever get to be Michael?".
In that moment my mind flashed back to a day when Michael was sitting at our kitchen table, and I had just told him how perfect he was, and how much I loved him. He looked at me square in the eye and said, "Then why are you trying to change me?". He was five at the time. Brilliant really.
With Tears in my eyes, the truth hitting me hard in the stomach. I answered my very smart friends question... " not so much."
Wisdom....It comes from many places if your willing to embrace it. I realized in that moment that while I have done a lot of right things with my children, in this case I was wrong. I realized while I pondered the question, that as a mom, yes, I needed to curb certain behaviors, and help my child to grow and mature. I realized that loving Michael also meant accepting him, respecting his feelings, and giving him the gift of allowing him to be who he is at this time in his life. That while I will work hard to teach Michael, and guide him, I also need to be his "soft place in which he can fall".
As a mom, I have revised the plan again. I will dedicate certain times of the day in which I will embrace my son and allow him to let out his pent up emotions, frustrations....all the feelings that he should get out...needs to get out. In those moments, I will Love him just a little bit more. And let Michael be Micheal. QAnnie
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