Sensory Processing Disorders: A Message of HOPE...

     Hi Mom and Dads,  It has been on my mind lately that I should write a message about hope.  You see, my kids and I have come so far.  We have achieved so many goals and cleared so many hurdles.  I feel compelled to share these not so small miracles with you.

     In my life, I have always felt that when God blesses you, it is important to share it.  Sharing his blessings I feel, is part of the package.  One of the reasons God sends them my way, the bigger picture.

     Hope.  When contemplating the best approach I should use to send a message of hope, I thought at first  about sharing all of my fears, tears, concerns, doubts.....everything.

     I thought that I would lead with these first paralyzing days of the past and segway into all of the insights and triumphs I have encountered as I  journeyed  into the world of Sensory Issues.  Pump you all up with positive expletives that would include,   "Don't worry", "Keep the faith", "It will all work out" kind of messages.

    Then I thought, No I think I would rather just recap and highlight my children's story. 

    After all, it is in their stories that hope is found.

     Michael.  Michael is my 7yr. old.  It was around age 2 that my eyebrows started to raise a bit.  By Kindergarten, age five, he was out of control, smart mouthed, contemptuous, behind in emotional/social/academic milestones.  Dressing issues.  It was at the start of Kindergarten which brought it all to a head, full throttle.  It was then that he truly unraveled, taking Michael and the entire family to a new scarier, deeply concerning place.  

     Full throttle meant  that he began hurting his twin brother Everett. He started throwing chairs across the room, lying, stealing, attacking us parents to the point that I had to body restrain him by wrapping myself around him until he calmed down.  I would sit him on the floor.  I would sit behind him and criss/cross my legs around him while simultaneously crossing  his arms around his body with my own arms just to keep him in place. I essentially turned myself into a straight jacket.  He would at that point, start slamming the back of his head into the front of my chest.  I started to keep a pillow on hand to cushion the blows as I was afraid he was going to break my chest bone.  Each time, when I had to do this, my tears would spill down my cheeks and land on the top of his head while I waited for it to end.  There were now holes in his walls, the tops of his dressers were destroyed.  The antique furnishings, which I imagined survived many happy childhoods now were defaced with deep angry scratches to the point that their entire finish was completely gone.

      I could not get this child to do anything. Not read, not write,  sit at a dinner table, the list was endless. The worst part of it all was that when I looked into my child's eyes after he did something wrong,  I could not find remorse. I loved this child. I can't even begin to tell you the endless tears I have shed over this child of mine.  Although I suspect some of you reading this are nodding your head right about now.

     I will never forget the day when Michael just pushed me to my end.  I was on his heels chasing him as he tried to run away from me.  He was half way up the stairs and I shouted out his name, "Michael", I screamed as I walked up to him as to tower over him.  He stopped, turned, and just glared at me.  Just glared.  A glare filled with so much anger, contempt, disdain.  "Michael", I said in a voice that I did not recognize as my own, my finger pointing directly in his face,  "Understand this now...YOU WILL NEVER BEAT ME. I AM BIGGER AND STRONGER AND SMARTER THEN YOU.  NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO OR SAY, UNDERSTAND THIS NOW MICHAEL, YOU WILL NEVER EVER WIN. YOU WILL NEVER, EVER, BEAT ME." 

      I looked into my sons eyes,  and for the first time, I saw his lower lip tremble,  His beautiful blue eyes filled with tears.  He just stared back at me, turned, and walked away. I shrunk down upon the stair and  I  cried, again for what felt like the thousandth time.  I too had now unraveled.  I was ashamed.

     It was time to call a doctor.  I did.

     I questioned, listened, read, tried, failed, tried again.

     That was about one and a half years ago.

     Today, Michael is thriving in first grade.   Michael is my child with a big heart and he has learned how to express it.  He is smart, sensitive, intuitive, thoughtful, funny...boy is he funny.  He is a child that is now  capable of showing empathy and compassion.  He has learned tolerance, emotional control, and self regulation.  He no longer cries when he dresses. Gone are his rages and destructive outbursts.  He has learned to use his words instead of his fists. Michael's world has become more organized from a sensory perspective.   He has found his smile, and it is a beautiful one.

     When we started this journey, I was disheartened, afraid, lost, confused and angry.  Today, I can see that our battle wounds are starting to fade.  Never to be forgotten, more a badge of honor.
    
.     I remember a moment in time when I first started this journey of trying to understand.  Michael was sitting across from me at the kitchen table.  In a moment of trying to transcend my love, to repair some of our tough moments,  I told Michael that I thought he was perfect.  His reply was so succinct...so right on.  Those blue eyes of his looked back at me,  straight in the eye and said, "Oh yeah?  If I'm so perfect then why are you trying to change me?".   It was at that moment, I realized that before I could hope to "change" him, I would first have to accept him.

     So as I end this post, I find myself having to confess that I have indeed lied.  For I truly can not end this story without saying to all of you...."Don't worry"  "Keep the faith"  "It will all work out".

     HOPE

     Goodnight,

     Qannie

    

Sensory Processiing Disorder

Thought For The Day:  When my child breaks rules or makes poor choices that I know are within his abilities to make better ones I will give consequences.  When he is demonstrating emotional outbursts such as temper tantrums, back talking, aggression, I will give him love, mercy and understanding.  For this is what he needs.  In these moments I will remember that it is not yet  within his emotional range to exhibit patience, tolerance, and self control.  It will be up to me to model it for him. Qannie



                                       

Taking My Sensory/High-Strung Child Out Socially Q & A : Where do I take them?

Hi,

I really appreciate you offering your support and advice. I have a question for you: I want to take my son out to experience things outside of the home but that usually leads to over stimulation and results in a tantrum. I took him to Elmo live a few weeks back and he liked it but I could observe him struggling with the loudness of the live event and the lights and even the opportunity to touch the charters was very scary for him. Then I took him to an arcade ( Dave and Busters) which he loved but when it was time to leave he went into a violent tantrum which almost became dangerous in the parking lot!!

He is a very active and curious child so I do not want to keep him restricted to our home our and/or back yard but I do not want to overwhelm him either. A few years back he was enrolled at My Gym but he became too active over stimulated to the point where the in door play area became too small for him because he became a danger to himself and others by not being able to calm down and acknowledge dangers, like not running across the room when children are swinging.

I would like to take him to Sesame Place and the Sou cl Circus this spring but I am not sure. Where have you  taken your boys to for out and enjoy family fun and activities? 

Thank you,
 Mom who cares

Hi Mom, 

 Your son reminds me of my children.  I have twin boys, one hyper-sensitive, the other hypo-sensitive.  Both became over stimulated easily for different reasons.  To be honest with you, it sounds like your son is not ready for these types of venues. I as well tried my gym and for the same reasons, it did not go well.   My kids are now seven, and it is only now after 2yrs of a lot of hard work along with natural maturity that they would be able to manage things like  plays, organized sports  and loud flashy places.  Instead, I choose places that would be more suitable to their nature's. Places that did not require too much structure.  While peers of their own age were hitting  maturity milestones and better able  to handle sitting, waiting, and instruction, my kids just were not.  I had to accept that.  

 Swimming for example is a great place for kids with high-strung temperaments and sensory issues.  The water allows them to move about quite a bit as well as it slows them down and burns off allot of that energy.  Do you have a kohl's children's museum?  The inflatable jumpy places worked very well.  Not too loud, they are usually in warehouses that absorb sound and all the kids are running and jumping so your child should not stand out too much.  If it is not below zero, get him outside as much as possible.  The cold won't hurt him. No reason not to go the the park.  Sledding was great because again, that walk up the hill caused them to slow down and again a great energy burn. The zoo is another great place...room to run, educational, and open in the cold months.  When I picked places, my criteria was not too loud, not too flashy, not too much restriction or structure....Get on the Internet and find these kinds of places.  As a mom with sensory/high-strung kids, I at times felt disappointed that my choices were limited, and frequented the same four places over and over.  However, that being said, it is what it is so rather then just stay home, that's what I did.

  To this day, I ALWAYS give my kids a 5 to 10 minute heads up as to when we are leaving.  Even if your child does not understand time yet, the heads up might allow him to process the fact that his fun is coming to an end.  These kids have a difficult time with "stop" and "starts". Its a brain shift/maturity things.  Even if it does not work at first, keep trying.  It should eventually work.  

     Your child will get though this.  There will be a day that you are doing plays, movies, organized sports and so on. I remember being worried that my children were not receiving enough cultural or educational input  because of  our limited social choices.  It was to my great surprise that when my kids started Kindergarten one of their teachers told me that while they were a little behind in some of the academics, my kids were the "worldliest" kids in the classroom and she could tell that I did not just sit my kids in front of the TV.  She said "they know about everything!".  My point?  You yourself said that your son is curious...You would be surprised what he will pick up and learn from finding rabbit holes at the park, watching the construction workers build a road, ask you why the toilet is not working at McDonalds.  Your child will soak up the world and learn no matter where you take him.

 Meet him where he is. You and your child's outings will be more successful.

 One last thought, even though the places you pick will be more suited to his temperament, my kids still at times struggled.  Getting over-stimulated and a bit too rough with other children.....Mom's JUST loved coming up to me to tell me just how "out of control" or "evil" my children were.  I found that smiling patiently and giving them a well rehearsed 15 second explanation worked well.  (trust me, I was less then pleased to have to justify myself to others) But the reality is that others don't know you or your child and they will jump to the worst conclusion. Don't let this discourage you.   Truly, 9 out of 10 people understood. I hated having to do this, but it came with the territory.  

     I hope this helped.  I have worked so hard with my kids.  I have been fortunate to see the results pay off and share with other parents.  Anytime you have a question please feel free to email me. 

     Qannie

Sensory Issues: Finding Empathy for that moody disposition

     Sensory Issues.....A bucket of all different kinds of nuts & bolts.   Dressing issues, eating issues, maturity delays....There is a lot to take on as a parent when faced with this issue.

     The most challenging part of  Michael's Hyper-sensory issue was dealing with the effect that it had on his moods. Not only was it difficult learning how to help him manage his moods, but even more difficult understanding him and feel empathy.

     For the last couple of years when my Michael's Hyper-sensitive issues came to the for front, this is what he looked like much of the time:  Along with his other issues, he woke up with an edge. He was crabby, irritable, mouthy, and prone to temper tantrums. His tone was that of an insolent teenager.  It did not matter if I was asking him to pick up his toys or asking him if he would like some ice cream, it was always the same: his responses came in this snappy, edgy, disrespectful tone that just cut right through me.

      It was so disconcerting because I did not talk to him that way, I did not teach him this. So why?  Why would this child be so disrespectful to me?  It really got under my skin. Why would this child treat me, the very one who was trying the hardest to make his world a more harmonious and sensory integrated place?

     I tried everything. Talking to him, coddling him, ignoring him, reprimanding him, behavior charts, you name it.  Nothing seemed to work.

     Understanding this was just almost impossible.  Over time, when it appeared that there was not a thing I could do about this I just got angry. Angry and at times resentful.

      Then one evening  it came to me. Clear as day.   It came to me in  the way of a hot, itchy,  woolly, sweater.  They say you should not judge someone until you have walked a mile in his shoes...  Well try walking that same mile with an "itchy woolly sweater on a 90 degree day.

     I NOW REFER TO IT AS MY "ITCHY WOOLLY SWEATER OPRAH AHA MOMENT"

     I was out to dinner with my friend.  We were eating Sushi.  We were drinking wine.  ( I love Sushi, and I love wine).  She was one of my favorite friends, I was looking forward to this night and I should have been having a great time. However, I was not.  There was a problem.  That morning I came across this woolly sweater that I could never remember wearing so I put it on.  That was the problem. It was hot, it was itchy, and I was miserable.  As dinner progressed, I became more and more miserable.  I could not enjoy my Sushi, I could not enjoy my wine, and I could not enjoy my coveted girl talk with one of my best friends.  I really just wanted to go home and TAKE OFF THIS SWEATER!   I was trying my best to hide my discontentment, but my friend, whom can read me well, finally said, "what is wrong with you? Is everything okay? Your not yourself".  I responded, rather heatedly, "It is this sweater! It is driving me crazy!" I took a few moments to express myself...#!!%##*!!"

     In that same moment I stopped..."OMG!", "Michael!"..."Huh?", my friend was clearly puzzled.  "Michael!, this is how Michael feels!".

     In a New York second I had a taste of what it might feel like to be Michael.  My Michael with sensory issues.  My Michael who is Hyper-sensitive. Who had been expressing  displeasure with his body's reaction to the world for a long, long time.  The world to him often, to LOUD, to HOT, to TIGHT, to LOOSE.

     He has been walking around in this "Itchy woolly sweater" for years, with a sweater on that he could not take off at the end of the day... and I wanted him to smile.

     I now understood why sometimes even when we are at his favorite place, doing his favorite things, Michael does  not feel like smiling.  Why, sometimes, when he wakes up in the morning, he is snarky, and irritable.  Why there are times that he just can't pull off what I am asking of him.  No matter what the circumstances are.

     We have come a long way in the way in helping Michael get through the world in a more sensory organized way.  We have our good days, and we have our could be better ones.

     But on those days, when my son comes in the door looking and talking like a disgruntled, mouthy kid...before I react, or judge him too harshly, I ask myself, "How would I feel right now if I had to put back on that itchy, woolly sweater?...

     EMPATHY.....It can come packaged in the most extraordinary ways....

    QAnnie

     

       

Children's Temperaments: Meeting your child where he is...Part 1

     Inborn Temperaments:  The intrinsic, innate, hardwired set of personality traits that your child came into this world with.

     We all come into this world with our own "stuff".  The stuff that makes us unique.  Temperaments that determine whether we will be "risk takers" or "tentative".  Shy or outgoing.  Patient or easily frustrated.  Naturally independent, or on the needy side.  High strung or calm. Energetic, a couch potato, or somewhere in-between.  The list can go on and on.

     Now don't misunderstand, I am not implying that these traits are completely cut in stone, or so permanently ingrained that they are unable to be "tweaked".  I like to think of a child's inborn "blueprint" as a starting point.  Desirable or undesirable, the set of personality traits that your child brings with him into this world is truly where your work as a parent starts.

     I think it is most important to understand just what your child's set of blueprints look like.  To best meet their needs, you must. 

     The world of parenting has really not changed much over time in the sense that most of us really want what's best for their child.  Parent's naturally want to see their child grow in all areas: physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.  Mainly, we want for our children to meet their "full" potential.  Each generation seems to bring with it their own ideas on how best to achieve this goal.

     These generational parenting models are embraced socially, academically, culturally, adopted and embraced by most institutions of the current time.  Some more notable models were, "spare the rod & spoil the child".  Then their was the parental paradigm  that approached parenting from a standpoint of understanding your child's "stages of development".  There was the focus on "self-esteem" model, geared toward not crushing the child with to many boundaries or emotional restraints.  Again, there have been, and always will be a current socially set of parenting "do's & don'ts" for each new set of parents to glean wisdom from.  You will find these little pearl's of wisdom from best selling books, coffee clutches at your local playground, and of course, even some of your own family members....

     Most parenting models I can't argue with...completely.  After all, they really do often have your child's best interest at heart.  I will say this though....there is no "one" way to raise a child.  There is no "foolproof method".  There is no one parenting model that is able to completely meet the needs of every child.  Every child is different.  So ask yourself, if that is true, how could one set of child rearing viewpoints be good for every child?

     The wisdom of parenting...the ability to extract from the good the things that work for YOUR child, and discard the rest...often despite what all the books and experts are telling you.

     It is very easy to buy into a set of current parenting guidelines because everybody is telling you that is what you must do and that is what works.  In fact, indeed, you will see many examples of why the current paradigm works...try them...if they work great...keep doing what your doing.  If it is not working....Chances are high that the current parenting method does not meet your own special unique child's set of needs.  So discard them, tweak them, find what works, and do that instead. (a word of caution....the pressure can be so great out there by the "system people" that you will doubt yourself....DON'T).

     So I say this again...Get to know your child's inborn temperament.  It is vital.  If your try to mold your child with parenting methods that don't meet his/her needs, I promise you, they won't work.  It can in fact make things worse. If you try to mold a child into something  that is not of their inherent temperament, you will fail.

     Your child is your child.  He is not Johnny or Ben or Sarah or Susie.  They don't have those other children's temperaments.  They have their own set of blueprints.  So don't try to build an apartment building with a set of blueprints that call for a single family home.  Get it?

     It took me awhile as a first time mom to learn some of this.  We can easily fall into the trap of trying to be the perfect mom, trying to make the perfect child.  A humbling lesson for me.  The reality is I am not perfect, and nor is my child...how boring would that be anyway.

     My next post I am going to talk more about some inborn traits. What can they look like?   Can we work with the undesirable ones that may be hurting your child's potential (or driving your crazy).  Understanding that every trait has a spectrum....a range.....that is indeed moldable, and also understanding what your child's unique range is in that moment and at that time of his life.

     QAnnie

  


    

    

AN ANGRY CHILD...Figuring out you can't put fire out with fire..

      An Angry Child.  Some children come into this world exuberant..filled with never ending joy & laughter.  Some are melancholy, so serious. Others are naturally inquisitive..filled with endless questions.

      Then some are Angry...just plain Angry.  A hard pill to swallow, especially when their parents are the joyful type.  That's how my Michael came into the world.  Angry.  Low on patience, tolerance for frustration non-existent, I watched in confusion and dismay as my child grew into a person I was unfamiliar with.  By age three, he was yelling out in anger, refusing to comply with basic rules, and  not responding at all to tried and true parenting techniques to turn him around.

     I was stymied.  By age five, he was mouthy, rebellious, volatile, and had put holes in his bedroom walls more then once.  He was angry.  Over time, I became angry.  He just was not responding to my positive influences.  Over time, getting up in the morning and wondering what my day would be like became daunting.  I felt like I was living in a war zone.  He was breaking me.  I was becoming the yelling, screaming mother that I never envisioned myself.   He was winning.  Coming to terms with that was humbling. 

     Sensory Issues.  Tuesday Child, in Chicago, IL. was the first place that I gleaned hope.  I learned all about Sensory Issues.  I learned how children with these issues, don't aways wake up the same way we do.  There moods fluctuate.  They have low tolerance for frustration levels.  They don't often hit maturity milestones at the same time as their peers. 

     I learned much that first year in trying to understand my Michael.  We made great great strides.  However, his angry disposition was still apparent and bothered me greatly.  Frankly, it really got under my skin. Most days, I worked the program.  I learned from a friend about Negative Attention, (check out that post), learned how to pick my battles, handle dressing issues....But that ongoing Anger...ugh.

     One day, as I gave into my own frustrations with Michael  we were really battling it out.  When he upped the anty, I upped mine.  It was apparent that I was losing.  And then the thought came.."You can't fight fire with fire".

   I was trying to end his Anger with  Anger.  "Can you put fire out with fire? Of course not".  "What is the opposite of Anger?".."Patience" was the answer I came up with.  It occurred to me in that moment that it was not anger and discipline that this child needed from me.  Michael had enough anger within..he did not need more. 

     What he was short on was patience.

     So I decided to give it to him.  Show him what patience looked like. 

     From that point on, when Michael least deserved it, I showed him patience, love and mercy.  When he was snarky and hurtful, I went to him with loving eyes not angry ones. I remember  one night  I got down on the floor with him after he hit the wall or brother, and  layed next to him when he tried to distance himself after an angry outburst.  I did not say much.  I just layed there.  "I'm sorry you are so angry.."  I said.  When Michael would say vindictive, hurtful words to me, I responded with.."that's okay, I have enough love for the both of us..."  Over and over, I gave this child what many behavior books told me not too.  My instincts told me that this child did not need consequences.  I gave this child rope.  I ignored his negative behavior and mirrored something back to him that he seemed not to possess. 

     The opposite of Anger is Patience, Love and Mercy.  That is what Michael needed from me as his mom.  He needed someone to show him a way out of his anger.  So that is what I did.

     And it has worked. 

     Michael and I have not spoken a single word to each other about what passed between us.  But I know he knows.  I know he is grateful for the life-raft I handed him. I know because I witnessed him receiving it.  I  watched this child, that night in the dark, while I layed quietly next to him  on his bedroom floor reach out and grab my hand  as words failed him.   I know he knows because Frustration, Angry words and actions have begun to diminish.  Replaced with tears, expressive words, and sometimes...by God..tolerance.  I know he knows because of the laughter I am seeing. The smiles that all seven year olds should wear...Michael is wearing.

     Once again, I humbled by motherhood, and what it has taught me, these children of mine. 

     At the end of the day, Michael is still somewhat type A.  That is okay, it will serve him well in this world.  He still at times, struggles with anger, but he has come a long way.  I am seeing a happier, more stable child. 

     At the end of the day, when I contemplate this child of mineI ask myself..."did I give him what he needs?"

QAnnie'

    

      

    
    

BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: What Worked Part 2

    BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:  When it comes to creating positive changes with kids who are high strung or have sensory issues, it can be a little tricky.

     For one kids with these temperaments often are delayed in maturity, impulse control, and often there ability to reason falls a bit short.

     So what do you do?

     I have made a few changes that have worked well with my kids.

     Pre-qualify my expectations.
     Speak in calm, non-reactive firm tones.
     Pre-determine specific consequences that you can follow through on.
     Follow through on those consequences
     Allow natural consequences to happen and it will do the work for you.
     I did dress-rehearsals in my head, visualizing myself dealing with the situation without harsh  
     tones.

     Dealing with young kids who can really push your buttons is difficult.  It is easy to lose your cool. I found it helpful to think ahead when it came to my reactions.  For example:  Dinner time.  For a long time my kids were just terrible when it came to sitting at any time for a meal at the kitchen table.  The poor behavior would start and my warnings and threats would begin, followed by heated emotions, and then the next thing I knew I would be yelling, threatening, losing my cool. The whole experience was re-played over and over, day after day with no improvement. 

     WHAT WORKED: First, I learned to always pre-qualify my expectations, and inform my kids what the consequences would be.  "Okay guys,we are sitting down for dinner.  I expect you to stay seated and eat your meal without goofing around.  If you can't do that, you will be excused from the table and...."  (some parents send there kids to their room for the duration of dinner, some do a time-out, others forfeit dinner until breakfast time).   By pre-qualifying your expectations, you will accomplish two things:  It serves as a reminder to the kids.  Believe it or not, they really do forget or just don't think about their own reactions.  It also takes the negotiating out of the loop.  Kids are great negotiators...they will start throwing every excuse in the book at you and hope something sticks and the next thing you know you are losing to a five year old.  You have all experienced that.  So pre-qualify.

     SECOND: I recognized that my kids just did not respond well to yelling or harsh tones. They could not handle it.  In fact, it often made the problems worse.  So lose the tactics.  When I thought ahead about my expectations and consequences, I was better prepared to react in a calm manner.  I would instantly go to my "poker face".  I also referred to this as my "teacher face".  Remember how your teacher could often stop you in your tracks with just a look?  That stare?  I think GOD instilled in all teachers that special ability.  I as a parent had to learn it.  With my "teacher face" in place, I would respond in a calm, non-reactive tone.  Something like this:  "Everett, I explained that if you started flipping your food off your plate, you would be excused and...."   No second chances, reminders, no negotiations, no more words..... The end. 

     Now, at first, your kids are going to try to give you the old royal battle.  Stay calm, stay firm.  Follow through.  Poker face.  Overtime it will get easier.

     THIRD:  Follow through.  By thinking ahead, pre-qualifying, and staying calm, your ability to follow through will be easier because you will be better prepared. By being prepared, the consequences that you have already pre-determined are less likely to be "over-kill".  In other words, in the heat of the moment you are less likely to threaten a consequence that you and your little one both know are not likely to follow through on.   Following through is tough, but is essential to behavior modification.  These little munchkins can sniff out hesitation in a New York second....and they will call your bluff.  I have to admit, I still drop the ball from time to time, but who doesn't. However, if your averaging a pretty good follow through record, your kids will take you more seriously.  I apply my 80/20 rule on this one.  Eighty percent follow through seems to be enough to get the job done.  The other 20 percent, I probably lost my own cool, did not practice what I know works and probably owe my kids an apology.  (I tell myself that I am now teaching the valuable lesson that when we are wrong...it is important to own it and apologize...Ha).

     FOURTH:  Do a dress rehearsal in your head.  This is so important.  It really works so take some time for it.  Pick your battles, pre-qualify, stay calm, follow through.  Visualize the altercation in your mind, and practice how you are going to handle it in your new way.  I did this during down time, and right before I knew we were heading into "problem territory".  If its dinner time issues, practice in your mind while your cooking, if shopping is an issue then on the way to the store.  If picking up their toy's is the battle, practice in your head right before you ask them.  You get the picture.  Also, really take the time to think about the behaviors your want to change, and the consequences that you want to put forth.  Doing this ahead of time when you are calm, you are more likely to pick a well suited consequence as well.  I can't emphasize this tactic enough.  Practice, practice, practice...

     LAST BUT NOT LEAST:  My all time favorite.  Natural consequences.  There are certain behaviors that a natural consequence can nip in the bud.  To name a few:  They don't want to wear their jacket when it is 30 degrees outside?  Sure! Go for it munchkin....They won't fight you on that one again.  They are giving you a big fight over getting dressed for the party?  No problem.  Just get in your car and put them in with you as is...pajamas, naked....(this one takes nerve but I did it...I actually drove half way there before we turned around. The kids were mortified). We were also very late for the party and they missed out.... I do not even have to ask them to get dressed anymore.  It is the first thing they do when they  up.  Sometimes I help "natural consequence" to happen.  Pour restaurant behavior?  See my post on that...Think about how some of their behaviors can lend themselves to a well remembered lesson, a natural consequence.  It is a great parenting tool that takes the least amount of effort.

     These are some of the tips I have learned that have had the greatest impact on my kids.  Keep in mind, that nothing works perfectly in the beginning.  It will take time for your kids to adjust to your new approach. They will test it. Hold firm. Don't give up.  Lastly, cut yourself some slack when you screw up.  I have been practicing these things for a good year or so and I still mess up.  I'm human, and so are my kids.  Sometimes they need a little slack too.  When it comes to expectations with my kids, I do model it to who they are and their inborn temperaments.  That is really important.  As Phill Jackson once said..."know who you are"...."you can't fly with the eagles if you are a fish".....

     QAnnie